The Usual Suspects

I've realized through various encounters while some people look like movie stars or musicians or athletes, I apparently look like a criminal. This has amounted in people randomly asking me for weed or calling me a stoner but not until now has it landed me a small detainment by the police as a suspect in an armed robbery.

There is much to tell so this may be long. Get a cup of coffee, pause the TIVO, put the pizza in the oven, whatever you got to do.


John and I were leaving Ali's apartment on Friday when a security guard stopped us before getting into the 4runner.

"I'm the complex security guard and I just wanted to warn you that there was an armed robbery about two blocks from here by a man in a stocking cap and a blue shirt using a revolver so if you see anything notify us, ok?"

We nodded thinking it funny that he used the word revolver like we were accusing Colonel Mustard in the Kitchen. We headed across the street to go to our other friends apartment. I pulled in and parked the car and we ran inside to pick up an xbox. We were there no more than 2 minutes but when we came out we saw two cop cars parked behind my 4runner shining flashlights into the back. For some reason I raised my hand like I was asking a question in class and said "That's my car." We walked up to the cop car and he asked us where we were coming from. We told him and they asked for our IDs.

"Is this about that robbery? Some security guy told us about it just before we left." I asked.
He said yes and then rolled up his window to check our IDs. John only had a hoody on so he was freezing and decided to go inside and wait while they processed our licences, leaving me to stand there and wait for the cop. Suddenly cops started to materialize out of nowhere. A cop appeared behind me like he came out of the bushes (a friend said later that the cop car came flying off the road cutting right over the lawn to get to the parking lot). Another cop car pulled up on the other side of the cars and turned his lights on me. Then another one came casually strolling up towards me, slowly pulling open his jacket like he was trying to show me his gun and then shined the flashlight in my eyes.

"How's it going?" he said like we were good pals. "Not bad, how about you." I returned,smiling, holding my hand over my eyes. "Just fine." he said. It was a real nice exchange. I'm glad he needed to shine the flashlight in my eyes for that conversation. Total I think there were six cops. I was about to ask him how the wife and kids were when John came back out. Suddenly another cop car pulled up real slow like a predatory lion ready to pounce on us. It had the worlds brightest flood light forged in the depths of hell from the souls of heinous murderers and people who cheated on monopoly. The light was shining us right in the eyes.

"Stand shoulder to shoulder back to the squad car," came a cold command. Now, it seemed at this point that we were a pretty big deal so I guess I was anticipating the cuffs or something because I thought what he wanted was for us to put our hands on the car. John thought the same thing so he asked for clarity. "What?"

"Turn around and face the car and stand shoulder to shoulder." He said again. We slowly turned and faced the car. I stood up straight trying to present the best impression of myself for whoever was in the car. Apparently, the witness of the crime was sizing us up from the safety of the squad car, trying to ID the criminal. We stood there for a good 30 seconds while this light viciously burned a hole through our retinas. Finally, just as it came, the lion went slowly slinking backwards, killing the light and disappearing into the dark. "Did you hear the negative on the radio traffic?" My new friend the cop asked the other. "Yeah. Go ahead." So all the cops got back in their cars and drove away save the one who had our IDs. I guess even though there was a gunman on the loose there is always time for basic citations.

"So, Jonathan, what's the deal with your expired temporary plates?" He said still sitting in his squad car. I really couldn't believe it. I began rehearsing in my head a rant about the absurd priorities of the law in case he gave me a ticket. "I'm just waiting for the plates to come in the mail." I said. "You can check that out at your local SOS." he explained. I didn't get the acronym but said "thanks" anyways. There was a small silence as if he was contemplating something and then he spoke again.

"Alright, well I don't mean to pry but it looks like you're living out of your car." I hesitated for a second ready for an awkward explanation. "Tell him" John said under his breath. Now It's not that I was at all preparing to lie to the cop, but I was contemplating the use of a very general and vague explanation, but instead I listened to John. "Yeah I am. It's not that I'm poor or anything. It's just that this is my ninth semester and I wanted to do something crazy." He kind of half laughed and nodded. "So where are you living?" Again I hesitated for a second not knowing if there were going to be consequences for my next words. If I was going to wake up tomorrow with the familiar fleet of police peering in through my window. "Well, you know CSC? I talked to the owner and he said it was alright for me to park there." I said.

"It looks like your window doesn't go up all the way. That could let in a cold draft." he said pointing with his pen toward the back window.

"Yeah, we found a lot of snow in there once. It can get cold but we're prepared." I said. He looked up at it and said, "Well, be safe because it does get pretty cold out here."
"Thanks" I said. "We got plenty of blankets and stuff so we're ok."

"Alright, well I'm going to write you a written warning for your plates and you'll have to go to your local SOS to check it out." John, still freezing decided he was done. "Is it alright if I start the car he said." The cop confirmed and John went over the 4runner.

For some reason I like to make conversation with cops, maybe so they know that they aren't scaring me, but since he didn't seem to care where I was living I decided use the flexibility for knowledge.

"Hey while I got you here, let me ask you," I said. "when I was first hatching this plan back in the summer I had heard that you can do this kind of thing in the Wal-Mart parking lot. You know, park your RV or whatever and live there for a bit. Do you know if that's legal at all?"

"Oh, I don't know about that at all. You'd have to check that out." Suddenly the 4runner turned the engine and then jumped as it died. John laughed. "Do you remember how to drive stick." I called back. It started, and then lurched again John still laughing. "Yeah I drove it today." I looked at the cop and he was laughing quietly. "Alright, you're free to go." He handed me the ticket and we drove out of there.

I'm guessing that the security officer at Ali's apartment complex saw my hat and thought I might be the guy but was too afraid to detain me there so he must've called it in. Otherwise I don't know how two cops would be poking around my car only two minutes later when there was a parking lot full of suspected vehicles. It couldn't have been random. All in all, it was a hilarious night and John and I were laughing the whole time. I obviously didn't take a revolver into some small town store and rob the place so we never had anything to worry about. I don't know if they caught the guy, newspapers didn't say anything about it, but knowing the fine gentlemen of the MPD out here, he's probably flipping his revolver around his finger counting his 27 dollars thinking he's a pretty smooth criminal.

Also, SOS stands for Security of State. Took me a while but I got it.